February 2012
62 posts
January 2012
56 posts
Rutherford B. Hayes
- Crow: Rutherford B. Hayes was born humbly to his own son, Rutherford B. Hayes Jr., in Delaware, while it was still Ohio, some time after the French Revolution. Rejecting a career as a professional speller, he was admitted to the bar in 1845, though he did not drink lustfully from it. Serving heroically in the Civil War, Hayes admitted later that it was in the army he first tasted human flesh. In 1876, Hayes beat Bill Tilden in a three-set quarterfinal at Flushing Meadows, which caused the electrical college to declare him President of the United States.
- Joel: Uh, Crow, you just kind of threw this together, didn't you?
- Crow: Please, Joel. I'm quoting from the World Book, Chapter H. Here are a few of the highlights of the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes: In 1877, Reconstruction ended and Jacques Derrida was named Secretary of Linguistics, and the era of deconstruction began, and continues to this day.
- Tom Servo: I just don't think...
- Crow: Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes Act, started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor, and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919.
- Gypsy: I think he's lying.
- Crow: No I'm not! After he retired he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Alan Arthur, shocked the world with a publicity stunt, then, on a bet, he made a tent out of the underwear of William Howard Taft and lived inside for a full year. Well, he did! And in later years Hayes retired from the stage and did a series of memorable character parts in Hollywood. Who could forget the time he was slapped by Jacqueline Bisset in the 1971 Universal movie "Airport?" And then, after inventing ringworm, Hayes died. His last words were, "I have only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde!"
- The End.
- Oh, and his blood type was AB. The End.
- Tom Servo: Sad what the mind can do, isn't it?
- Joel: Yeah, I'm gonna have to hold you back a year, Crow.
- Crow: Cool! Can I have my same desk?
